Times of India

Our sexual revolution - or the unbuttoning of India - means different things to different people. Some interpret it as more openness towards sex while others connect it with greater freedoms for women to dress, marry and live the way they want. It was these different definitions that Ira Trivedi wanted to explore in her book 'India in Love: Marriage and Sexuality in the 21st Century'.

Trivedi went to the US to do her MBA and returned home to find that the dating/marriage scene had transformed. She believes that urbanisation has pushed India, willy-nilly, toward sexual liberalization, which broke the grip of social control and opened up spaces for sexual experimentation. But there has been a backlash, she tells Neelam Raaj, from those determined to push sex back into the confines of marriage

You talk about how India is going through a sexual revolution yet at the same time, you've profiled a young man named Prayag who sleeps around but wants a wife who is a virgin. Isn't that a contradiction? Don't Indian men still classify girls as good (virgins) and bad (promiscuous)?

Yes, a lot of men, especially men like Prayag, who have grown up in ultra-conservative households but gain independence once they leave home for college and work, battle with conflicting views of sexuality. On one hand they still classify girls as "good" or "fast" but then these views are challenged when they land in a sexualized environment where their peers are having sex (and then they too want to have pre-marital sex with girls that they love) or when they come across women who are not virgins, but still "good". The Indian woman may be at the crux of the sexual revolution, but it is the Indian man who is having the most difficult time coming to terms with it.

The formula was marriage, sex and then, if the couple was lucky, love. Has that changed and is that also the reason for rising divorce rates?

Yes, we are moving to love, sex (or viceversa) and then, maybe, marriage. I wouldn't say that this is the main reason behind divorce, though it is certainly part of it. The primary reason is the financial independence of Indian women. They are now focusing more on their careers than on their personal lives. Not that they have it easy. Indian women are dealing with new and more 'western' problems such as career goals, sex, money while also dealing with traditional problems of overbearing mother in-laws, child rearing, etc. This puts way too much pressure on relationships.

You spent a lot of time with a matchmaker for the book. What are the boxes a girl has to check to get hitched?

A big eye-opener was the fact that caste is no longer the be-all and end-all of marriage. Profession, education and money are more important. For a girl, looks (especially fair skin) unfortunately still play a big part. Family money and wealth, too, are important, especially in the short-listing process.

With more people wanting love matches, is it time to write an obit for the arranged marriage?

It will be a long while before we can totally write off arranged marriage and that's because it has evolved into a new, youth-friendly form. Parents now have a diminished role. Prospective partners register themselves on online matrimonial portals, and go on 'arranged' dates before they formally agree to the marriage. Sexual chemistry too is becoming important, both before and during marriage, as women become more uninhibited in their sexual behaviour.

You travelled to many cities for research. Which city surprised you the most?

What I found most surprising was how the more liberal cities (like Bangalore) were also sometimes the most regressive, and how the seemingly conservative places (small-town Haryana or Bhopal) could have some very forward-thinking denizens.

Despite all this talk of India changing its attitudes to love, the country still criminalizes gay sex. Isn't our sexual revolution shallow?

I don't think that it's shallow. In fact, I think we are never going back to the India of our past. The SC ruling on 377 is representative of the conservative backlash that the sexual revolution in India is facing. In any revolution there will be conflict, and in India there is a fierce backlash from khap panchayats, Hindu right-wingers etc.

What about the dark side of the sexual revolution?

The dark side includes rising incidents of sexual violence, harassment and a skewed sex ratio. The Nirbhaya case really brought these issues to the fore. It is essential for India to tackle these social problems.